FTA: How can I help & Other important information

Many of you have asked how you can help or to let you know if there is anything we need.  The answer is a little bit more complex than anything straight forward, so here it goes.

Physical "stuff"

Unlike a couple expecting their first child and getting prepared through a celebratory baby shower, we must purchase everything ahead of time ourselves.  Because we will be open to foster/adopt children or sibling groups from birth to 8 years old, we need to be able to provide something for each gender within that age group.  Those of you reading this can only imagine how much "stuff" that really entails.  And when I say "stuff" I mean so much stuff that I honestly do not want everything parents "swear by" because our house has to be able to hold all of that "stuff" and store all of that "stuff".  I'm trying to do a lot of research on products so we can purchase items that serve more than one purpose, is gender neutral, and most importantly is compact.

Oddly enough the only thing that is absolutely required before we get our homestudy complete and approved is car seats.  We have been told multiple times that our licensing specialist will be required to actually see and examine the car seats we have before they can complete the homestudy.  They have specific standards that we have to follow along with the state laws pertaining to car seats.

It has been recommended that we "start bringing in beds".  While we have a trundle bed for our guests (and older child if we are placed with one), it doesn't serve and infant or a toddler.  Here comes another "problem".  We don't have the space to have both a crib and a toddler bed in one room.  I mean we could do it; but, more or less it would be really crowded.  So therefore, the previously mentioned that the "stuff" we are researching has to serve more than one purpose.  To be honest, I am seriously holding off on the whole crib/toddler bed until we make room for the one I want.

We have been blessed to be given TONS of hand me down clothes for both boys and girls from birth all the way into around age 7.  Other essentials we still need to purchase are mostly for baby items that make more sense to hold off until we get a placement.  It just doesn't make sense to spend all kinds of money buying baby stuff if we are placed with a 2 year old.  Though it is odd to "baby-proof" a house when we don't have any babies and don't know if we will be placed with a baby.  And we have indeed began to "baby-proof" in a way so I don't have to have child-safety locks on everything.

Because if you are tall, you can get away with this style of baby-proofing the kitchen.

In all honesty, it feels strange to ask people to provide physical things or gifts because there is so much uncertainty within who our placements will be, the age(s), or even how many children will be place with us.  If a placement does reunite with their family, anything that was purchased for that child is to go with the child which includes clothes, toys, books, or anything they have grown attached to during their stay.  With each child that gets placed with us, we will receive a monthly stipend (and we have been told over and over that WI is the absolute lowest paying) that is to go towards clothes, food, toys, and entertainment for the child(ren) in our care (which we have also been told will rarely cover everything).  So ultimately it is kind of hard to say, "hey we need this, this, and this" when we will be receiving some money after each month to kind of reimburse ourselves for things we have bought for our littles, if that makes any sense.

It is actually best to just check with me (us) to see if something is really going to be useful or appropriate if you honestly wanted to buy something.  Please be reassured though that we are really not asking for people to do so; but, just want to be honest that if we get a placement and a child gets attached and if being reunited, whatever it is they are attached to will go back home with them.

Understanding

One of the biggest things that we will need is actually understanding.  While many will want photos of our littles, it is more difficult than just posting a photo.  Children in the system are protected and publicizing they are a "foster child" is in one way "against the rules".  They are not to be known as foster children; but, simply children.  Their names are also protected.  It is absolutely imperative that if we share a photo with you, that it is not shared (I cannot stress this enough).

On the topic of them being protected, so is their story.  We are under no circumstances allowed to discuss anything about the child(ren)s family, or the reason they are in the system with anybody and this includes our own families.  Please understand it is really in the best interest of the child(ren) as well as their own safety sometimes.

Until we have legally adopted our child(ren), all decisions must be run by and okayed by the birth parents.  We will not be allowed to travel across state lines without prior approval from the birth parents, something not all birth parents are willing to grant.  And if by chance you would like to visit for more than a few days, you will be required to have a background check done prior to the visit (the softest of all the background checks).  A background check is also required if we want to leave our child(ren) with anybody.  This is for the children and their safety.

Punishments are something that shocked us more than anything.  Under no circumstance is anybody but Derek or myself allowed to punish our children.  Under no circumstance is anybody allowed to punish their own children with spankings in front of fosters.  Often times the whole background for a child is unknown until something has triggered a reaction.  Spankings are looked at as a trigger for fosters, especially those who have a violent home in their past.

Understanding and patience is really the number one thing I think Derek and I will need from others.  We are going into this blind and have no idea what to expect.  We have rules and regulations that we have to abide by in order to retain our license.  We understand that it may take time for our family and friends to adjust to our new life, but we are willing to discuss as much as we legally can to ease concerns and answer questions.  We need others to understand that the way we do things with our child(ren) may seem unconventional; but, you cannot raise a child who has been in the system the same way as one who has not.  We also may have to miss out on a few things in the next few years to come; but, we are looking at the long term goal of becoming a family

Foster to Adopt (FTA): Answering questions and concerns

Since things are quieting down from the holidays I thought it would be a good time to give an update.  Derek and I have been meeting with our licensing specialist each week for about the last month and a half.  Each week we go over and discuss new things.

Topics covered in meetings:
background checks
paperwork, paperwork, and more paperwork
foster care policies
can and cannot do's
quick home walk thru
testing fire detectors
personal individual interviews
preparing for completing homestudy
physical exam and tb test

Each week is brought with so much information we kind of just sit for a little bit after each appointment to reflect and take it all in.  There have been some things that have surprised us which I will write about in later post.  But more importantly, I wanted to kind of clear up some concerns and answer some questions we have been asked about adopting from foster care.

What is adopting from foster care?
          The primary objective for foster care is reunification.  Wanting to keep families together is kind of looked at as what is best.  This is a pro and a con because it actually means that children in the system can remain in the system much longer than they should be.  Adopting from foster care is a lengthy process and not the easiest.  In order for a child to be up for adoption (and we are still in the beginning stages here so will will continue to learn more and more), the rights of the parents need to be terminated.  In WI, parents have on average 15 months to change their lives around; but, we have been told that it usually takes about 2 years for parents rights to be terminated.  The first opportunity for adoption goes to family members as the goal is to always keep families together.  If nobody in the family wants to adopt the child(ren), the foster family the child is living with is generally asked if they would like to adopt as long as they hold a dual license (meaning they are a foster to adopt instead of straight fostering).

What country are you adopting from?
          Since we are adopting from the foster care system we are actually adopting children who are within our own community.  Because the county we live in has very little need for foster care we are actually becoming licensed in another county that has a huge need for fostering.

Don't get a crack baby.
          First and foremost, the number one reason children are in foster care is due to neglect, which is also the number one reason parental rights are going to be terminated.  In the county we will be licensed they have seen in the past children removed from homes due to physical or sexual abuse as well as drug use in the home; but, these cases are very rare.  Ultimately, Derek and I have the choice to say "no" to any child whose circumstances we are not comfortable with.

Don't get a black baby.
          First and foremost, we will not tolerate any prejudice or racism when it comes to our children or our family.  If anybody has an issue with us adopting outside of our race, I'm sorry to say there is no room for your judgement in our lives.  It may sound harsh; but, ultimately we understand that not all family and friends will be accepting of our children and we want to ensure they are surrounded by people who will love them and not judge them because of the color of their skin.

Just some statistics in our area for age and race of children in the system.

Let us know how we can help or if you need anything.
          This is a little more complicated to explain so please read stay tuned for the next post.

Hopefully, this update has helped a little bit.  If anybody has questions or concerns I did not touch on, please do not hesitate to ask and I will do my very best to answer.

Button Fly DIY

I had a pair of jeans that the zipper broke on (terribly timed while husband and I were TRAPPED in an airport for three days) and decided that I would try to make a button fly on them as well as cut them into shorts for an upcoming trip since they are just a tad big and I don't want to spend money on buying new shorts.  This was so much easier than I thought it would be.

First things first, rip out the zipper as close to the existing seams as possible.

Since, I was cutting the legs off I cut a piece off for my new button fly the same width and length of where the zipper was before removing it.

After stitching up the sides, flip it to the right sides out.

I set it in place to determine where I wanted the buttons and button holes.

Serge up the open side, and sew your button holes.  Not going to lie I had to look up the instructions and use a Spanish book to remember how to do these because I cannot find my English instruction manual.  Thank you, Google Translate app!

I then laid out the buttons so I could mark where I needed them to be sewn on.  Note: sew them closer to the seam where the zipper was or your pants will look "unzipped" even though they are buttoned shut.  I ended up removing the buttons to redo this.

Pin the new fly in place and sew on jeans.  I ended up making the fly wide enough to where I just followed along the existing seams with gold thread to not make any new thread marks.

Sew your buttons on, either by hand or machine.  I recommend using a machine; but, then again I hate hand sewing.  You can use the same metal buttons that most jeans have.  I chose plastic buttons because I already had them and they were less expensive than the metal ones.  Note: this is before I moved the buttons closer to the existing zipper seam.

When all is said and done, this is what they will look like buttoned.

Proud that my on a whim sew job actually worked better than I imagined.  This is actually still before I moved the buttons closer to the existing zipper seam as you can tell they don't look closed as well as I had hoped; but, I assure you that they do after moving the buttons.

Family

Derek and I have always dreamed of having a family together.  We never cared how, but, we always knew that we would adopt.  I should say that I actually told him from day 1 that he needed to be okay with adopting because it is a wonderful thing and I was going to adopt a child one day.  I would not have the amazing sister I have if it weren't for adoption.  

Derek and I had talked about what direction we should go with adoption: domestic, international, or foster to adopt.  For multiple reasons we chose foster to adopt.  One of the obvious reasons was money.  To adopt domestically or internationally you need to be able to come up with a minimum of $35,000 and upwards of $50,000.  Not wanting to break our bank we chose foster to adopt because everything I have read is that it is virtually "free".

"Free" always comes with a hidden cost though, especially when you are talking about foster care.   

"Free" comes at the cost of a child being frustrated and confused with why they are being removed from their home and put into an unfamiliar home with unfamiliar things and people.  "Free" comes with trying to help kids overcome.  Overcome anything from emotional trauma, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or the most common neglect.  "Free" comes with appointments, visits, and trying to rebuild a relationship between the birth parents and the child(ren).  "Free" means sometimes falling in love with a child who right when you think is going to be up for adoption is reunified with their family.  A bittersweet moment because after all the main goal of foster care is reunification of families.

No child chooses to be an orphan or a ward of the state, and they should never be treated differently than a "normal" child.

You're so funny

Oh Wisconsin, you crack me up sometimes.

Holy Hill

Lately, Derek has been wanting to plan surprise dates for us on one of his days off to which I am not complaining one bit.  The first surprise date he had planned for us was to Holy Hill.  It was recommended by his coworkers as "the place" to go view the fall colors.  Normally, I would comment on most of the photos; however, this is my second attempt at writing this post so I think the photos will have to do and I apologize they are in no order whatsoever.

This has to be my favorite shot of the day.  We stumbled upon the statue of Mary accidentally and saw that somebody had left their rosary as a gift and it was just too beautiful.

Skating surprise

So far within the month and a half of us living in MKE, we have had family here a few times.  My cousin Kylie has been skating since she was fairly young.  I was lucky enought to be there the very first time she put on skates that were too big for her as she fell over and over again; but, didn't want to stop because she was having so much fun!  It has been over five years since I have been able to see her skate in person so I was really excited to find out that she would be skating less than an hour from where we lived.  We kept it a secret that Derek and I were going to show up to watch her because what fun is it to know ahead of time?!

Her first time out skating we had a family weekend in Brainerd at one of my favorite places, Breezy Point Resort.  We always called it the "cabin".  They had skates for rent and since she had everybody wrapped around her finger, we all took turns with her and her brother, Niko out on the lake skating.

Kylie and Jamie

Kylie and Teej, her Godfather

Kylie girl and me.  And yes, that is my high school letter jacket to which I still own.

Niko, Kylie, and me.

She was like the energizer bunny and just wouldn't stop skating.

She would fall...

And get back up because of her determination.  I mean look at the concentration on that face!

This little girl who loved the cold is now...

...a beautiful young woman

She is so graceful as she skates.

This is her signature move and it is awesome to see in person.

She skated so beautifully and I was so happy that Derek and I could surprise her.  She has definitely improved her skating since the last time I saw her skate about 8 years ago.  I am so proud of this girl and her dedication and the woman she is becoming.

  

Oktoberfest

Derek's dad and step-mom were coming to town and I thought it would be a fun idea to check out the Oktoberfest that was going on in Milwaukee while they were here.  We haven't seen them in I would say a year so it was cool that they were able to visit our new house and hang out for a bit.  

Inside the beer tent

To say the least I was hugely disappointed as the fest consisted of a beer tent on one side of the river and then a Glockenspiel, beer, and three vendors on the other side of the river.  I guess I was disappointed because I like to see the vendors with authentic German garb and trinkets at the festival especially since I do not drink.  Derek and I also figured since we were in a bigger city that Oktoberfest would be huge and come to find out that at least the weekend we went it was smaller than the celebration in Ptown years before.

The first thing we came upon was the living glockenspiel, to which was fun to watch as with any live performance, things don't go as planned and things break and then you have to improvise.

The Hofbrau I believe put on the fest for this weekend.

The street off of the festival had some really great older buildings with fabulous architectural design to them.  This one just made me think of something I might see in Germany one day.

I am a good sport when it comes to being around people who are drinking.  And will even hold a glass to make it appear as though I am partaking in the events.

The problem with the beer tent is finding a place to sit.

Derek, Randy, and Barbara

Since the festival wasn't something that took a really long time, we decided to go find some authentic Wisconsin cheese curds since Randy and Barbara really wanted some while they were in town.  The first restaurant we went to, was out of them.  How do you run out of cheese curds in Wisconsin?  We ended up heading towards the parking garage to head home and stopped in at the Water Street Brewery before heading home and thankfully they were not out of cheese curds.  The curds ended up coming out before our drinks which surprised our very enthusiastic waiter.  These things tasted like fried cheese in a funnel cake.  And since I was feeling sick I only ate one; but, they definitely got eaten.

Here is to hoping the next festival I find for us to attend that it isn't a disappointment!